I find myself feeling distant from God sometimes. I counsel myself like I would a friend...
"Have you been reading your bible?"
"Have you been praying?"
"Are you listening to worship music?"
"Do you need to forgive someone?"
But it doesn't seem to help. Even if I do all the right things...I still feel the space between us. It creeps up on me at the oddest of times. The proof in my lack of smiling or my short temper.
I stood near the lake two nights ago, near sunset, holding Moses while the other boys were off trotting after Daddy into the woods...in search of a deer.
I could hear the sound of nothing...outside...and inside.
I held him close and sang to him.
[Well, I sang to both of us. I needed to hear it too.]
"I love you not because you did something.
I love you not because you didn't do something.
I love you because you're mine."
I'm thankful that God uses our relationship with our children to show us his affections towards us. Because, if feeling bad, wasn't bad enough, you feel guilty for feeling bad. I needed [still need] a reminder of his unconditional affections for me.
Without going into it, we've had several unexpected circumstances [one-after-another] that have caused Charles to have to work this week and devote a large amount of time to that instead of just vacationing at the ranch with us. I'm overly grateful for his attitude and willingness, and am not bitter at him...so much as the situation.
[I am fully aware that our present situations are nothing compared to others,
but still they fill like something to me.]
Yes we're still playing. Yes it's still better than him working 50 hours a week [or 60 or 70 or 80 or 100], but it's just not the way...I planned.
Is it a sin to be bitter at a situation?
I've been realizing that when things don't turn out the way I thought they would...I don't seem to respond correctly. Or at least not quickly.
I feel like the deer Charles and the boys went chasing after...
...stopped in its tracks
...not moving on
...not attempting to live [fully]
Situation, just shoot me. Kill me. I'm too shocked this has happen to me to move.
Does anyone else ever get so rocked by the circumstances of life?
I just keep reminding myself that in a year we'll laugh about the past few weeks, but for now, it's just a bit slow going.
Currently I'm searching The Father, The Word, The Spirit to find a remedy for my poor response. I want joy. I want "bring it on...my Daddy's got this" attitude. I want my mind on things above.
I'm learning loss is an opportunity to either loose more than was stolen, or anticipate it's [double] return. Time was stolen from us this week, I want to keep moving, and not let it steal the life today still holds.
I pray the same for you.
"And the LORD restored Job’s losses when he prayed for his friends. Indeed the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before." -Job 42:10